Things that Make My Heart Smile 1

Endurance

Man... after a week at the beach, Gammy's, and lounging around, this is an uber-Monday.  I do not want to go in to work...

And, accordingly, my devotional from Elisabeth Elliott for the day is about temptation and endurance.

She uses scripture to describe how God warns us of temptation, while at the same time assuring us that there's always a way out through Jesus, by asking him to take your proverbial yokes and give us the grace to move forward.  God never gives us more than we can bear.

Yes, I'll repeat that I don't want to go in to work, but I have bigger concerns at this point of my life.

My boyfriend of nearly two years (off-and-on) and I just broke up.  We had some great plans for this winter.  He was to come up here and spend time with the family and friends, and I'd be able to share Christmas with him.  Then, I was to go to Miami in the beginning of January to meet his family and friends.  I was really, really, really looking forward to that trip (who wouldn't be?!)

And then we had a conversation which changed everything.  We had been planning to move together in August; I would go Virginia Tech (just got accepted about a week ago to their engineering program! woo!) and he would be going to a near-by school exclusively for nursing.  I was beginning to imagine (in my out-of-control-excited nature) the cute little house we would have together, with a little fence for our dog.  The matching bikes we would take out on the bike trail to the mall as we stopped by the Farmer's Market each Saturday morning.  Life would be good, great!

But this was my vision, not his.  And that's the problem.  He told me he was beginning to feel "suffocated" by me pulling him into my goals and vision.  As much as I tried to encourage him to make the decision on his own, and to speak up if he was opposed, he felt pressure to make me happy, even if that wasn't what he truly wanted.  Several days ago, he told me he didn't want to go to school.  He wanted to work a little and save money, travel to see his family in Peru, and go back to Miami to live for a while. He won't be going to school in August??  I was devastated. 

But this is what he needs, not me.  After talking extensively with him, we've found that what he needs can't be fixed by the Spring 2012 semester.  He needs the time to go off on his own (for several years) and find what he truly wants and who he truly is.  This is for him... and in a way, for his future wife.

If I am to be with him in the future, it would be much better for me to be with a man who knows what he wants and needs.  Who is confident that he's lived and has no regrets being with me.  Also, I want to be chosen, so I have no problem setting him "free", in an amicable fashion, for a while.

And I will wait.  And TRUST that God will put the right person in my life at the right time.  (I'd be delighted if it turns out to be him! I still love him deeply).  

Until then, I really need to work on my spiritual walk with the Lord.  Instead of being some, quasi-, Name-brand, Christian.  I need to learn to be a Christian by action.  I watched a sermon by Pastor Keith Battle at Zion Church the other day, and he referred to church as a "huddle" (he's a big football fan).  "You see, this, all this music and sermons and getting together is just the huddle.  In order to score, you actually have to go out there and run the play."  

Right now, I'm tempted to give in.  To let Al. move in with me in August, and to pull him into my life when it's not the right time.  If I truly believe in God's word, I can look at this temptation clearly and understand that it's nothing I can't handle, that if I ask Jesus to take my plate for me, he will, and he will give me the grace and endurance to get out there and run the play.  

Scripture

"No temptation has come your way that is too hard for flesh and blood to bear. But God can be trusted not to allow you to suffer any temptation beyond your powers of endurance. He will see to it that every temptation has a way out, so that it will never be impossible for you to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13, PHILLIPS).

Journaling without paper/pen?! OK...Here goes...

I've been very lackadaisical about journaling in this stage of my life. 

Several months ago, I finished the last page (mid-entry!) of my journal:  The one which accompanied me through  my last year at Marshall, the challenges of my past relationship, my parent's divorce, and back home to Fayetteville, WV.  To others it may be page after page of incessant rambling, but to me, it's a valuable work.

I was a very fastidious journaller-- something you can see by looking at the last journals of mine.  I tried to write on a regular basis, even if I didn't have much to discuss/contemplate/vent.  I wanted a detailed account of my observations and experiences, even amidst the mundane.  Then, I came home, began my job, started cooking / caring for Dad's apartment, and I quit journaling.

So, I've decided if I'd like to be a regular journaller again, I'd better find a more convenient means of doing so. Inspired by my bff, Selly, I decided it's time I step into the late 20th century and start a blog.  


In looking at my previous journals, they seem a little self-centered.  I seem to detail many events in relation to me.  

The goal of this future blog is to be a spiritual journal: the world (or rather my small glimpse of it) in all its splendor and ugliness, challenges and blessings, all relative to God.  


How does my life and the lives of those around me fit into God's plan?


This understanding must be whittled away.  As of now, my concept of God and our world is as a formless block of wood.  As pieces are chipped away, a meaningful image forms.  Little by little, with patience and persistence, must we approach God and the meaning of life. Little by little.  Poco a poco.