I've been having some strange dreams lately. In Costa Rica, I had one where I told off Hugh Hefner because he was basically a chauvinist pig. In another dream, Dad passed away, and I woke up with tears streaming from my eyes. There were a few other, off-the-wall, completely random ones as well, but I can't recall right now in my post-nap haze.
Some of the dreams are strange, and others are so emotionally vivid. During today's nap, I dreamed that my Uncle Mike passed away. Gammy's friend, Vanda, called and told her, and we were all sad! Maybe this comes from the passing of Roger in January. I still feel so sad about that, and Kiersta and the boys are presented with many new challenges... we miss him.
In another dream from my nap, it must have been several years into the future, because Fayetteville had several new stores. I remember walking into Mom's studio to pick up something, and I guess she was in the process of moving out and away... the room was filled with just space, except for a lamp or occasional box or two. No JR hair; it was immaculately clean and lonely! I wasn't shocked or anything; in the dream, I'd known that Mom was moving out and I was probably trying to help. I called her and she and Grandaddy (my 84-year-old Grandfather) were up at the playground on the swings. They were laughing and having so much fun. I asked if she'd like a chocolate smoothie and if I should buy a sugar free one for Grandaddy. Hearing me, he shouted: "Oh, no, Laurel! I'll be perfectly fine." And Mom told me of three different places to get smoothies. Before I hung up, Grandaddy said, "Oh, Wendy is so much fun! This girl has such a sense of humor!" (And of course all of this was said in his awesomely thick Dutch accent).
And that was it. I woke up not sad, but wistful. Wistful because the few strands of what knew were beginning to dissolve away into the past... Only the future lay ahead.
And when I look back over this writing, I'm seeing that it seems the common denominator for these dreams is Change. Yeah, that. I've had a lot of change in my life these last two years, and the divorce represents a huge blast into my trajectory and those around me. I've not given it much conscious thought, because I don't see any profit in it. So, I guess it leaks out through my dreams. The truth is, I miss what I knew. I miss having a whole family and a cute little home on the hill. But it is what it is, and I didn't write to complain.
Another thing this dream illustrates is that always-losing battle of clinging desperately to the past. The only thing we get is nostalgia. We must be ok with change and we must move on in order for God to work in our lives. In Costa Rica, one of the pastors who spoke to us mentioned a strong tradition of immigration in the Bible, and how each of those newcomers brought a new, crucial element to their community. Whether immigrating to a new place, or simply a new phase of life, we must face it willing to bring something new along, and to make that place (or phase) better. We must! ... Or we sink in nostalgia.
I really like "Man In the Mirror" for that reason. Change is a good thing in this song. He's actually asking for it!
"No message could have been any clearer: if you wanna make the world a better place, you better look at yourself and make a change."
Sing it, Michael!
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